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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

miss misery

So...I've been having a bumpy personal adjustment to the new place. It presents a few problems for the emotional me. I find living where I do now, that my partner is out of the home working now for 4-5 days a week, which is a vast difference than the last 2 years, where for the most part we both worked out of our apartment. Now it is largely me working at home, alone. Sure, I have 2 cats and the occasional visitor (sometimes planned, sometimes not). Also - I am now in an area that is, well, downright sketchy some days. Largely I am feeling isolated.
I've come up with some plans and I hope to execute them soon to improve my mental health and alleviate my loneliness. I am considering attending Al Anon. I'm still on the fence about this. I hated group therapy, I'm not invested in helping others work out their issues, I'm selfish when it comes to therapy. Al-Anon though, is different. In theory it is a good place for people with similar high levels of trauma in their lives to talk. It is a place where the families of alcoholics go to help each other. Though my family aren't alcoholics I still have my share of trauma to work out. My therapist had recommended this when we stopped sessions. I've been mulling it over for a while.
The other thing I'm going to try and focus on is meditation of some sort and exercise. Both will be hard. I know this already and I'm not looking forward to it. I've tried meditation before and I just can't do it. I'm not religious so the whole spiritual side of it is completely lost on me. Also - I'm a ruminator so I have a really hard time stopping my brain from going in circles. The exercise part is the newest addition to a line of things I've been doing to improve myself (taking supplements and flossing and quitting biting my nails).
In the end the exercise might be the easiest thing to incorporate, plus it will be the most beneficial I think. Exercise is great for depression plus, if I manage to lose weight that's another bonus.
The thing of it all is, I just don't know how to make friends. Not at this age or any age. I suck at this sort of thing. Plus, I'm married, so people assumed when you're married you don't need friends. I subscribe to the Kurt Vonnegut school of thought about family and people, you need as much as you can get. People are communal social creatures. I just never really got the hang of it, and I've always been bad at upkeep on friendships. I'm just so dang awkward sometimes I just freak out a little talking to people. It's honestly a problem I've always had, whenever I get really nervous I just start talking more and more and faster even. I sometimes wonder if my tongue just has a mind of its own. I find myself needing more human interaction and not knowing how to go about finding it...it is troublesome for me.
This is where I am right now. I'll keep you updated.

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