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Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Turning 34 is harder than I imagined.

I feel older than I thought I could.

This birthday feels like ice in my chest.

My years and years of living feel like too much to handle. I feel overwhelmed by it.
I recently met my half-sister, online. I didn't even know I had half siblings until I was an adult.
And, I'd waited to meet them, waited until I felt that maybe I had more to offer than my anger and rage at our common parent. I do now. I have more, I'm not as anger and rage filled as I was say - 4 or 5 years ago. I'm calmer, I give a shit less what people think. I went through therapy and came out better the other side.
I am so afraid of scarring them though. I'm sad, because although we'll be half siblings in title, we may never really get to know each other on that sibling level, there will always be a guarded side to us all, as a result of the parent we're all related by. I take solace in my step-sister who proves to me, that if you give love a chance, even a second chance, you may find that trust can grow again.
I want to be so much for these new siblings of mine. I wished I could have protected them. I wanted to support them and help them. But they're all adults already, pre-formed and alive and living their own lives. All I can do is but be here. That's it. It makes me sad. So much opportunity lost.
But, I will try. I will try to be an example of how to live and not let the anger and rage and pain and fear eat you alive. I will try to show them that the rest of the family we have in common is okay. I will try to give them something good from all that pain. I will try to be their friend.
I think it may be all I can do.

This life changing event happened this week and has altered my orbit. I fluctuate between happy and fascinated (Do we look alike? Do we have anything in common? How can I help?) to sad (it brings up so much that I work so hard every day to tamp down in my soul, all the pain and anger from being abandoned multiple times, rage at the senselessness of it all).

Don't get me wrong, this isn't a bad thing in any way shape or form. This is good for me. It's good for me to work on my coping mechanisms. It's good for me to make human connections and have that interaction. It helps me to process things, events. Maybe I will get a chance to help someone else.

I just wish I had some guidance on this road. Someone who had been through this. But, this is a path I have to pave on my own.
I hope I do well.
Wish me strength.

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