Like a lot of women, I'm trying to lose weight and get healthier. Things like diabetes and MS run in my family, and I'd like to be better physically equipped to handle these things ( I also like to think that getting into shape will help me run from The Man or zombies more too). Part of that for me is losing around 50 lbs. Growing up I was skinny and dieting had never occurred to me. I had no need for it. I was skinny because I was predisposed to it (my bio mom was tiny, maybe 5', and 100lbs) and I was really active.
This isn't to say I didn't (and still don't) have food issues. I always will, for me it comes with the territory. When I was tiny I was abused, neglected, and severely malnourished. At the age of 4 I only weighed 25lbs or so. My hair was wirey and I looked malnourished. Even as an adult the scars on my body from that malnourishment remain, I've had my dentist pull me aside and ask me about my history because I have deep grooves in my molars which are a common result of malnourishment. So, if you can imagine, I have issues with food. If there isn't any food in my cupboards I freak out a little and usually erupt in tears. I know it's a result of the abuse I suffered.
That said, I didn't have an issue with my weight until I finished college and started working office jobs that required oodles of sitting and data entry. I packed on about 50 lbs over the last 10 years, and since I've never been an athletic person, never knew how to lose it. And frankly, I'm still trying to find the motivation to lose it.
Losing the weight is problematic for me for a few reasons. First, it's usually only me home alone all day, I have no friends here in the town we've moved to that also want to lose weight and are willing to help me or encourage me to work out. Nada, none. It's just me and (hopefully soon as I get knee pads) my rollerblades. That's hard to do. I don't have the money for a trainer, so I can't even go that route.
Second, say I do lose the weight. Then what? People will look at me. I don't really want that anymore, when I was 15-16 I didn't care if people looked. I hated the world and couldn't care less who looked at me and who didn't. I also didn't care if they asked about my very noticeable (and pretty big) scars. As a result of the earlier mentioned abuse I was also pretty seriously injured and physically scarred. At 15-16 I talked about my abuse like it was some sort of movie plot, not really owning it, still really traumatized. Now, after years of therapy and addressing all my abuse, I don't want to talk about it, and frankly it pisses me off when other people bring it up first. I feel that should ONLY be my right. So, right now, if someone was to ask about my scars, I'd be left holding my tongue in my hand crying. I'm not sure if now, I could wear the clothes I oogle online. I no longer want to draw any attention to my body, and strangely being fat has made that possible. No one checks out my fat thighs and scars. I've hidden myself under the fat and huge clothes.
I've kinda liked being heavier. I have more padding when I fall spectacularly, and no one checks me out lecherously like people used to (except for my hubby, which is still awesome). However, I'm more sensitive to everyone's comments about fat girls, I internalize them way too much.
I have to get comfortable with my body, scars and all, and comfortable with telling people where to stick it, and to mind their own business. There's a part of me that would rather be invisible that do all that. The key here will be finding my own courage. Wish me luck with that one, 'cause I'll need it.