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Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Update on my life

So, the last time I posted was in October. A lot has happened since then. We've moved a couple of times and now we're in Arizona.
A couple of years back I started having panic attacks. I was having them to the point where I stopped leaving the house and found myself unable to find an "out-of-the-house job". This left me unemployed when the company I was working for was sold. We both looked for work, but I was unable to leave the house and Walter has very little work experience, which makes the already hostile job market impossible. So, Walter applied for assistance, and got it. We stayed with friends until they couldn't stand us anymore and then we asked my Dad and Kathy for help, they helped and now we're living in a family home in AZ. It's sad that we lost some friendships, and I miss those friendships, but sometimes life throws challenges your way and not all of your friends can accompany you through all of your hardships.
Thankfully, we're not homeless. It is scary how close we were to being homeless. It's scary to have your friends give up on you. I already have trust issues, the last few months really put all of that to the test for me.
The upside to all of this moving is that my stress has gone down, exponentially. I, accidentally, ended up getting off of all my medication, but so far, no big panic attacks. Things here are calmer. We're now in a small town, far from a lot of chaos and noise, and we no longer have to fear we'll be kicked out of our house at any given moment, which goes a long way towards my peace of mind.
I haven't quit drinking, and I still struggle to not bite my nails, but on the upside I sleep better here and I don't have long bouts of crying jags.
Things have been tough, and AZ presents its' own problems but things are getting better, small bit by small bit. Since we've been here we've had more company visit than I did in the last 5 years I lived in WA combined. It's nuts. We've been fairly busy.
I'm still crafting. I made some tentacles, all really just practice for making Jenn's bookends. I'm going to paint them this week sometime, a pinky-red color.
I have other projects in the works. I made some pillows out of old red velvet fabric I used to use on my old canopy bed (which I have no longer, canopies don't work well in the desert, it just gives the scorpions and spiders another place to hide). I also am hoping to make a giant chalkboard menu for the kitchen. In the new house the kitchen is HUGE! I am hoping to repurpose an old door or two and make a big dining table. It would go well with the big chalkboard menu. I just bought some chalkboard spray paint and primer for the project, so hopefully that will happen soon. I'm also working on family genealogy, I'm using www.geni.com, which is free and pretty easy to use.
I am working out, which is helping too. I just got supplies for the breadmaker so I'm starting that project also. All in all things are going okay. We're hanging in there.
Arizona has also been a great chance to re-connect with our families and old friends, which I'm pleased to say, is going well. We're all older now and not as excitable as we all used to be, it makes things easier.
I'm largely just blithering here, it's nice to just get it all out. I know my path in life might stump a few folks. 'Why aren't you using your degree?" "Why would you move to conservative AZ after living in the liberal NW?" "Why aren't you working?" "When are you going to start working?" are all questions we've gotten. I'll work when I'm ready to, and not a moment before. I don't know what the future will bring, and no job is secure, period. Our liberal votes matter just as much in AZ as they did in WA. I'm not wasting my time crafting and not working, I'm learning how to function again. I'm learning how to process my fear without always breaking down. I'm learning how to have confidence in myself again before I go out and look for a job. When I lost my job I lost more than my job, I lost faith in my abilities. I'm working on regaining that. I'm lucky right now I have a small window of time to do just that, without fear of losing my living space or food or friendships. I can work on getting mentally healthy. I have the chance to kick my PTSD's butt. I'm hoping to get on state assistance so I can see a therapist and make that my final big step on the road to getting better and healthier. Right now, I'm doing what I can, eating better, keeping busy, working out, not stressing about $. At some point I'll start feeling confidant again enough to work, drive, pay the bills, brush my hair every day, eat 3 square meals, keep dr. appointments, have a social gathering, go into crowds and not hyperventilate. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. It's a daily fight, but I'm getting a little better at fighting it.

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